We all know what we should be doing—exercising more, eating better, spending less time on our phones—but most of us don’t. If I were an academic, I might describe my research interest as “the gap between what people know is good for them, what they want to do, and what they actually do.”

Just about everyone experiences this gap. On one side are the behaviors we intend to engage in, and on the other side are the things we actually do. Whether it’s exercise, diet, activity, phone time, or how we spend money, we all have a general sense of what’s good for us. Yet we often snack too much, skip workouts, and scroll far longer than we mean to.

I’m not talking about end results like being thin, fit, rich, or loved—those outcomes are complicated and often outside our control. I’m talking about the small, daily choices: what we buy at the store, when we move or exercise, how often we call our friends. We often tell ourselves, “Oh yeah, I should…” but then we don’t.

This discrepancy between what we want to do and what we actually do is so widespread it’s practically universal. But what’s striking is how rarely we see it as universal. We all know that life will be hard, that we will die one day, and that Oreos aren’t a great breakfast food. Yet we don’t recognize that everyone—yes, everyone—experiences this same gap. When we look at people who seem to have it all together, we rarely imagine that they, too, struggle to do the things they know they “should” do.

To have a gap implies something else as well: that we already know what the “right” thing is. We often believe that if we just had the right information, we’d do better. But it’s rare that a patient in my office has a lightbulb moment when I talk about the benefits of exercise. The knowledge isn’t missing—it’s already there. Which means that simply piling on more information probably won’t create change.

There are many reasons for this gap—but that’s another essay. What matters here is the framework the gap provides. It offers a way to live: always be closing the gap. As we move through our day, we can ask ourselves, What can I do right now to narrow the space between what I want to do and what I’m actually doing?

This framing is different from how we usually think about behavior change. When it comes to diet, for instance, we often say, “I have to start eating better.” That mindset implies a beginning and, inevitably, an end. Thinking about continuously closing the gap reframes it as an ongoing process. The gap may widen or narrow at any given time, but there’s always something we can do to shrink it.

This framework also acknowledges that the process never really ends. These kinds of behaviors aren’t solved once and for all—they shift slowly through repetition and attention over time. Sometimes, of course, a particular gap may close completely. If our dietary habits truly align with what we want, there’s no gap to close—and that’s the goal. In that case, it might be time to move on to the next gap.

Over time, the desired and the actual can merge. What once took effort becomes second nature, and that particular gap disappears. But others will emerge. That’s the work of being human: not perfection, but ongoing adjustment.

So, what are the gaps you notice in your life? Where does your behavior fall short of your intention? And what can you do—today, right now—to bring those two sides a little closer together?

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Love,

Doc

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