The dictionary defines curiosity as a desire to know something– technically, true. But if curiosity were only “a desire to know something,” then love would be “a strong affection,” and the sun would be “a hot ball of gas.” Not wrong, but missing the point. Curiosity might be better thought of as a quality that we are capable of either cultivating or smothering, and one that is key to navigating life. Among the qualities we cultivate in ourselves and in those around us, curiosity is stunningly helpful– particularly in the context of two challenges we all encounter: how to deal with fear, and how to love.
Be more curious than afraid is something I find myself saying often. The challenges we face are often driven, at the core, by fear. For example, people continue to use drugs because of fear– fear of withdrawal, fear of the problems in life, fear of looking directly at things that are difficult or overwhelming. We avoid making changes because of fear: if I leave this job, I am afraid I will not be able to get another, or make enough money, or have any sense of self-worth.
Much of our fear comes from not knowing what lies beyond change. Fear of the unknown is part of our nature, and often the uncertainty itself is more paralyzing than the challenge we eventually face. We fear the dark not because of what it holds, but because of uncertainty about what it hides. Once light reveals what was previously obscure, fear tends to evaporate.
Just like it is in our nature to be afraid of what we do not know, curiosity is also a huge part of nature. It is our curiosity that has driven us to map the world, to discover the cosmos and the biology of our bodies. Curiosity has led us to invent microscopes and telescopes, DNA sequencing and microbiology. When faced with the unknown, curiosity is often a more helpful emotional space than fear.
Curiosity taps into a different framework, and while it still requires bravery, it often does not require the kind of close-your-eyes-and-hope-for-the-best courage that confronting fear head-on seems to demand. If fear is what paralyzes us, and fear is driven by the unknown, then by switching to curiosity we can often find a way forward. This switch to curiosity is particularly helpful when we are facing our own interior world, which is often more opaque to us than any foreign landscape.
Rather than saying to ourselves, “I’m afraid of living without alcohol” we might switch to curiosity and ask, “I wonder what it would be like to live without alcohol.” Rather than saying “I could never tell anyone what is bothering me” we might ask “I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship where I could talk about what is bothering me.” Instead of saying “I could never share this secret with another person” we might ask, “I wonder what would happen if I shared this.” As opposed to saying, “I can’t start my business because,” we might say, “I wonder what it would be like if.”
For any given fear, there are many things to be curious about. Suppose we have been avoiding dealing with painful, traumatic experiences we’ve been through. Looking at them is scary, and something we turn away from. Switching to a curiosity framework would instead allow us to ask questions: How has this event impacted my life? How has it changed me? What would happen if I talked about it? How would I feel if I shared what happened? Would I feel differently? Do other people feel anything similar? There is no shortage of questions we might ask– and by asking all these questions, it becomes natural to want to find answers, to learn more. As a side effect, much of our fear disappears, and we are able to get into the previously unapproachable territory.
Curiosity doesn’t just help us face what terrifies us—it also helps us move toward what we cherish. The basis of love is curiosity. It’s hard to care about someone—or even a place—without wanting to know it more deeply. Think about a landscape we love: at first we notice the big, obvious things—the mountains on the horizon, the sound of water moving through it. But the more time we spend, the more the details begin to matter: the way the light shifts at dusk, the particular smell of the air after rain, the quiet sounds at night.
Love works the same way with people. At first we ask simple questions, but over time those questions grow deeper: not just what do you think? but why do you see the world that way? Curiosity transforms attraction into intimacy, and keeps love alive by always giving us more to discover. This curiosity is a fuel for intimacy and a bulwark against boredom. It can also be a pathway through conflict and disagreement. Instead of asking “Why, on god’s green earth, would you say such a thing?” we could instead be curious and actually ask, “Why do you say this?”
Having curiosity about others can help us make connections with people we do not know, or who seem unlike us. When we meet someone new, it can feel difficult to have a conversation. A lot of people find it difficult to make small talk, and difficult to get to know other people. But if we’re curious, there’s so much to find out. The more we know about people– how they came to be, what experience they have had– the more we care about them. It is hard to love someone without knowing them.
As Elie Weisel said, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I would offer that indifference is an antonym for curiosity. I’ve known my wife for more than half my life, and my kids for their entire lives, and yet there’s still so much that I’m curious about. For me, curiosity is the basis upon which I think about building relationships with people– including patients.
The next time you feel afraid, or stuck, or disconnected from those around you, resist the urge to turn away. Instead, lean into curiosity—ask questions, explore, and pay attention to what you do not yet know. Curiosity allows us to move past fear, and to turn the unknown from something paralyzing into something to engage with and understand. It is the foundation upon which we build love, allows us to connect to others, deepen relationships, and sustain connections over time. Cultivate curiosity.
Cheers,
Doc
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