You’d be forgiven for thinking that I have a fairly dim view of life. I talk and write about the importance of resilience because fundamentally I do not think it’s possible to avoid hardship. I talk about how important it is to learn how to bounce back because I believe we will get knocked down. I’ve written about how relationships are about rupture and repair– that we will inevitably disappoint the ones we love and care about, and the only real way forward is to learn how to repair the rupture when it occurs. I talk about the first noble truth of Buddhism– that the nature of life is suffering, and that it is inevitable. It is an inherent part of being alive, and that thinking otherwise is foolish.
These perspectives could be the components of a depressing worldview– but I actually do not see the world dimly. I see the world through these lenses because they are true. I have not known anyone whose life is free of adversity, I have not ever had or witnessed a relationship devoid of disappointment, and have yet to encounter a life that does not involve suffering. I work from these perspectives because they are experientially true– not because they are happy or sad. What is actually more interesting to me is why more people do not embrace this reality.
Our nature– the way our nervous system is constructed– is to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So often, when we are given the option of looking at painful truths or turning away from them, we choose the latter. That is simply following how our brains are made. And therein lies the challenge: embracing this worldview can be painful. Our brains are designed to steer us away from pain– especially when we do not perceive an immediate reward to suffering. Looking at these truths is painful, and does not have an immediate reward– so we tend to move away from them.
Turning away from this creates a new set of challenges though. We are constantly surprised, or disappointed, when we encounter difficulty or hardship or disappointment. When we set our expectations in a way that is discordant from reality, we end up suffering more. But there’s an even bigger challenge that arises when we fail to look difficulty in the face– we fail to equip ourselves with the very skills that allow us to live a better life. Ironically, embracing the suffering of life allows us to suffer less. Embracing the fact that relationships will rupture leads them to rupture less. Embracing the fact that we will encounter adversity allows us to navigate adversity more smoothly. By turning into the difficult parts, by accepting the challenges inherent in being alive, we can better equip ourselves to ride them out.
In contrast, when we do not embrace the reality that we will all encounter challenges, we don’t build the skills we need to weather challenges. When we set our expectation that challenge is not the norm, we are poorly equipped to face it when it arises. When we view the inevitable challenges as optional, or only arising when we make a mistake, we spend our time trying to figure out how to minimize or escape them. When we do not build in the expectation that people will disappoint us, will hurt us (and we will do the same to others), we do not build the skills we need in order to make amends and repair relationships. If we think we will never need to say sorry, we never learn how to say sorry. If we think we can make choices that will allow us to avoid suffering, we will never prepare ourselves to endure suffering.
Thinking about our own mortality is another example of this– it is deeply uncomfortable for most people. But failing to do this robs us of so many things. When we do not seriously contemplate the end, we usually then also fail to fully consider what we want to do between now and the end. It is the nature of our bodies to break down. While it makes sense that we put time and effort into preventing them from breaking down for as long as possible, it is also inevitable that they will eventually fail us– this is not a betrayal, it is the nature of things. When we don’t consider the nature of our bodies– that they will break down and get old and stop working– we get caught off guard when that inevitably happens. People will say but why did this happen to me? I take care of myself. I exercise. I eat well. I don’t smoke. Bodies break down because that is their nature.
Embracing the truth about suffering does not require us to exclude embracing the wonderful parts of life. There is nothing contradictory about saying that life is filled with suffering, and life is also filled with joy, happiness, and wonder. Just because relationships are characterized by rupture (and hopefully repair) does not preclude them from also being filled with peace, satisfaction and contentment. We will encounter suffering, but also hopefully beauty and love. The point is we don’t get to pick and choose– both are present, whether we like it or not.
Once we stop pretending that things should be easy or perfect, we can let go of thinking something is wrong when we face a challenge. Instead, we can realize its expected, and shift our narrative to one of resilience, repair, and presence. These lifelong practices allow us to feel more alive, more connected, more grounded in reality. Suffering isn’t a problem to solve; it’s a feature to integrate. The sooner we learn to work with it, the more we can build lives that are full, not in spite of suffering, but because of how we’ve grown through it.
To me, there is freedom in naming the truth. We aren’t weak or guilty for encountering suffering—we're simply living our lives. We aren’t broken when our relationships struggle—we’re participating in something real. And we aren’t failing when our bodies decline—we're just a year older. By acknowledging the nature of things, we stop chasing illusions and start engaging with life on its own terms. This is not a dim view of life, it's a liberated one.
Cheers,
Doc
Forwarded this email? Sign-up here
Follow me on Bluesky | LinkedIn