When we travel to another country, we expect to have difficulty communicating: the language is different. This is so obvious that it feels idiotic to write. We also know that even when language is not a barrier, different cultural expectations can cause difficulty communicating. “In a couple minutes” can mean 120 seconds from now, sometime this afternoon, or maybe sometime in the next 3 months– depending.
What we often do not anticipate is how relevant this idea is amongst our friends and family– without the difficulties of different language and cultural expectations. I have had several appointments recently where my job was to translate what someone said into what they meant. The words were one thing, the meaning underneath was something else. This difficulty with translation has the effect of causing hurt, distrust, and disconnection between people who love each other. This, in turn, can have pretty profound effects on health.
Some people probably read that last paragraph and think: maybe other people, but not me. I say what I think. Perhaps– Or perhaps not.
When I am talking about substance abuse, this comes up in families a lot. Parents might say to their child, “You can’t keep doing this.” The more accurate translation might be, “I’m scared. I’m scared for your future and I’m scared for your life.” Or, a parent might say to their child who is newly in recovery, “Don’t screw this up.” The translation of this might be, “I love you, and you have been through so much. I am worried that I will lose you again.” The need for translation goes both ways. Someone who is using drugs might say, “I’m fine, mind your own business.” The translation of this might be, “I”m deeply ashamed and embarrassed that I’m in this situation, I don’t see a way out, and this conversation just reminds me of my shame and embarrassment.”
This happens in families with children living with type 1 diabetes. Parents ask all the time, “What’s your blood sugar?” Generally what they mean is, “I’m worried about you. I’m scared something bad will happen. I want to protect you and make sure you are ok.” Children might respond with “It’s fine,” which in translation means “I’m hurt that you seem to care more about my blood sugar than you care about me or my day, and I’m scared that you’ll judge me, even though I’m working hard on this.”
Pause for a moment, and think about the things the people we love the most say to us, and what we say to them. “Why are you leaving already” might actually mean, “I miss you, and want to spend more time with you.” Or, “Are you really going to eat that” might better be said as “I love you and am worried about your health.” This difficulty with translation– both our feelings into words that express how we actually feel, and hearing the sentiment under what other people actually mean– is a huge source of conflict for almost all of us.
So, how to translate the meaning of what we say into words directly? And, how do we hear the meaning under the words other people say to us? First, we have to recognize that there is an emotional language being spoken, and that it is a language we all speak. We tend to focus on the literal language, and often do not recognize the emotional language that is being spoken simultaneously. Once we see that, our posture in conversation might start to shift. Instead of responding immediately to the words we hear, we may pause and wonder what someone is actually trying to communicate. That small shift—recognizing that translation may be needed—can change the direction of many conversations.
When someone speaks Japanese, it’s hard to miss. Fluency in emotional language does not mean we will always translate perfectly. Even people who are highly fluent in the same spoken language misunderstand each other sometimes. The first goal is not to eliminate misunderstanding, but to recognize that translation is happening at all.
Like any language, emotional fluency develops through practice. No one becomes conversational in Spanish by reading a grammar book once a year, and the same is true here. We become more fluent when we practice noticing what we feel, naming it, and expressing it clearly. Families that regularly talk about feelings tend to produce people who are more comfortable doing this. Environments that discourage emotional expression often produce people who struggle to translate what is happening inside them. Part of the challenge is vocabulary. Some people have a very limited emotional vocabulary—everything becomes “mad,” “fine,” or “stressed.” But richer vocabulary allows more precise translation. What appears as anger may actually be disappointment. Frustration may really be fear. “I’m fine” might be exhaustion, embarrassment, or loneliness. Without words for these experiences, we communicate through blunt substitutes.
Half of communication is what we say to others, but the other half is listening to what is being said. Fluent listeners learn to hear what sits underneath the sentence. “You never help around here” may translate to “I feel overwhelmed.” “Why didn’t you call me?” may translate to “I miss you.” Making things more difficult, our internal translator is not always reliable. When we are anxious, ashamed, or defensive, we often substitute threatening meanings for ambiguous ones, hearing criticism where there may only be concern. Emotional fluency includes the ability to pause and consider that our translation might be wrong. When we are feeling anxious, embarrassed, or ashamed, we will translate differently than when we are feeling understood, loved, or connected. Our own emotions can distort understanding
Perhaps the final irony is that most people feel that they are pretty good at expressing themselves and understanding others– it's everyone else who either does not know how to listen, or cannot say what they mean. Hmm. Saying the emotional truth is usually scary, vulnerable, and difficult. It requires a type of courage and clarity that can be difficult to cultivate– and as a result, is a skill most of us have underdeveloped. Similarly, hearing the meaning of other peoples’ words often means not taking personally the anger, defensiveness and frustration that is being expressed. Doing this is the difficulty of saying the emotional truth, and the generosity to translate that for the people we love.
Love,
Doc
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