“Stress” is one of the most frequent reasons I hear when people try to describe what ails them, and what limits taking care of ourselves. It gets in the way of exercising, interferes with sleep, turns food into a coping mechanism, makes real relaxation elusive, and leads to that extra drink (or two) in the evening. Because chronic stress affects our health, we spend a lot of time in the office talking about it—and even more time trying to figure out how to manage it.
Given the impact that chronic stress has on both our health and our happiness, learning to manage it well is imperative. Having a clear framework for thinking through our stress helps us identify what’s already working, and where to focus our change efforts. I’ve come to think of stress management in terms of three distinct buckets.
First, there’s the stressor itself. Sometimes, what we’re facing is just plain hard. Our primary relationship is strained. Work is demanding and unrelenting. Someone we love is seriously ill. In these moments, the most honest and helpful place to start is by acknowledging that the situation is, in fact, stressful. Pretending otherwise only adds shame or confusion to the mix. Sometimes, stress isn’t about mindset or coping—it’s about doing hard things, getting through challenging situations. In those cases, real relief may only come when we make a significant change: leaving the job, ending the relationship, or confronting a hard truth we’ve been avoiding.
Because many stressors aren’t easily fixed or changed, the only other option we have is to change our relationship to the situation. If the state of the world is leaving us anxious and depleted, we can choose to limit our exposure to the news, seek out more grounded sources, or create emotional boundaries. If the problem is our relationship with our spouse, we can try and redefine how we relate, or seek out couples therapy. The stressor may still be there, but we don’t have to let it dominate our internal world. Even when we’re successful with this though, there is often a hard, stressful residual that can’t be avoided.
Too often, we approach stress as if the goal is to cope so well that the situation itself becomes easier. Sometimes that works—but often, it doesn’t. Believing that stress is always fixable through better coping sets us up for unnecessary guilt when we still feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, stress is the appropriate response to a difficult situation, and it will remain stressful until that situation changes. Bucket one is about getting clear on that—and recognizing that the answer to bucket one stress is often about change– not improved coping.
The second bucket has to do with our capacity to carry stress when it shows up. Stress isn’t just about what’s happening—it’s also about the shape we’re in when it happens, and how we respond. That capacity isn’t fixed; it shifts based on how we’re sleeping, eating, moving our bodies, connecting with others, and taking care of ourselves. Given that stress is inevitable, the real opportunity lies in living in a way that makes us more resilient to face it. Sleep, movement, real food, time outdoors, relationships, moments of rest and reflection aren’t luxuries—they’re what allow us to roll with the challenges that come our way.
This is also where therapy, clarity of purpose, shifting the narrative, and other tools come in. When we know why we go to work, things that were stressful and ambiguous might become much clearer and easier to navigate. We’ve all felt the difference. A hard conversation hits differently when we’re underslept, unsure of where we’re going, hungry, and frayed versus when we’re nourished, grounded, and clear. The stressor is the same—but we’re not. That difference in capacity and perspective shapes how we show up, and how overwhelmed we become.
Yet even with solid habits, strong capacity, and clear perspectives, sometimes the pot still boils over. That’s where the third bucket comes in—how we recover when we’re flooded, dysregulated, or completely spent. We all have ways of self-soothing—some helpful, some not. We might scroll, eat, drink, and isolate ourselves. Or we might go for a walk, call a friend, cry, breathe, write. The goal is to have a few trusted tools we can lean on when we’re overwhelmed, rather than falling back on whatever’s most automatic or easily accessible. It’s also to be clear that we will get overwhelmed at times, no matter how well we think we are prepared. Once we are overwhelmed, we face a decision about what happens next.
And those choices matter more than we often realize. If the only way we cope is by drinking, sleep suffers. When sleep suffers, our capacity shrinks. We become more easily overwhelmed, which makes us more likely to drink—and the cycle deepens. There are lots of coping mechanisms that are less than ideal, and not all involve chemicals. When we practice healthy regulation, we’re not only better at recovering, we expand the capacity that protects us next time. The more we use those tools, the more accessible they become.
None of this is revolutionary, but when we’re stressed, we don’t think clearly. Having a simple framework to fall back on helps us identify what’s working and what needs attention. Stress is inevitable. Flooding is inevitable. Understanding the three buckets gives us a practical, compassionate way to manage stress. The framework also helps us identify what the problem is, where we are doing well, and where we are struggling. If the problem is a bucket one issue, we might be confused or frustrated as to why our stress is not improving in spite of “doing all the right things.” Or, maybe it's a bucket two problem if everything objectively seems to be going well, and we’re still feeling overwhelmed. When we can see clearly which part of the equation needs support, we’re far better equipped to focus our attention on a solution that will help us feel better.
Cheers,
Doc
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