For many people, the holidays are great. Getting together with family and friends, taking time off work, exchanging gifts– the whole thing fills some people with joy– but not all of us. Unfortunately, the expectation is that everyone will be filled with joy. This expectation can be difficult to navigate. The expectations that we carry are often unrealistic, and so when they are not met, we feel a lot of disappointment. The gap between what we expect and reality becomes a cause of unhappiness during what is supposed to be a time of celebration.
For most of us, the idea of family is central to our conceptualization of the holidays. When we think of family, we often think of a Norman Rockwell, idealized version. Everyone from near and far gathers together. Everyone is happy and excited to see each other. All the gifts that are exchanged are perfectly chosen and well received. No one is fighting, feelings are not hurt, and the entire family enjoys the warm feeling that the holidays are meant to foster. That would be great.
My family is complicated. There are people who do not get along with each other. People in my family (myself included) say dumb things and make mistakes. We want different things, and bring different expectations to family gatherings. Some people dread going to certain family functions. Sound familiar? My family is not exceptional: families are complicated because people are complicated. Everyone I’ve ever talked to comes from a complicated family. Yes, some families are more complicated than others, but it's never straightforward, even under the best of circumstances.
A big part of the challenge arises from the mismatch between our expectations about family and the reality of family. Our hopes and expectations for what happens when everyone gets together does not match what actually happens when everyone is in the same room. Or– our hope and expectation is that everyone gets together, and no one wants to actually do that. The holidays pull at this desire for togetherness, of nostalgia, of just-beyond-the-veil connection that we crave. The cultural messages we get emphasize this ideal, and so we start to expect that. And then we walk into Aunt Emma’s house, and she’s fighting with Uncle Albert, who has never gotten along with my wife, and of course Mom isn’t there at all because Albert insulted her last year… and the holiday games begin.
Hollywood has figured out the reality of family dynamics are complicated, and has mined this reality for comedic effect for decades. However, when we are living it rather than watching a movie about it, it often feels more sad and disappointing than funny. Maybe it's funny on a screen because we expect it to be funny, in our life our expectations are different.
Peace begins when expectations end. We have no control over our family, but we have a lot of control over what we expect from them. We can suffer a lot less when we let go of our expectations about what getting together means and how it should go. Moreover, if stress is the gap between expectations and reality, then the bigger the gap, the bigger the stress. Given how much expectation there is surrounding this time of year, it is not a surprise that there is a large amount of stress around the holidays.
Perhaps the best thing we can do to make the holidays enjoyable for ourselves and enjoyable for those we love and care about is to let go of our expectations. To try and let go of what the season should bring for the family, for get-togethers, for gifts, and for ourselves. Instead, we focus on experiencing it as it is. Maybe (just maybe) lower expectations lead to corresponding lower stress, which in turn leads to more enjoyment with people, which leads to more fun (just don’t expect that to happen).
Doc
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