A couple weeks ago, I wrote about key virtues– what are the most important virtues we carry. I’d like to focus on one virtue today: courage. I understand courage best as acting in spite of our fear. I think this is important, because having courage is not about being fearless. Instead, it is about choosing the right path even though we are afraid. In order to be courageous, we have to have fear– without it, we have no opportunity to be brave.
When we think of courage, we often think of physical courage– running into a burning building, standing up to a bully, jumping into a river. Interestingly though, most of the fears I hear about from people do not involve their physical safety. Our cultural assumption about courage revolves around courage in the face of physical harm– but when it comes to our lived experience, the times and places day-to-day that actually require courage for most of us– physical harm is not our fear, and different kinds of courage are required.
Talk to people about their fears (or better yet, reflect on our own), and a different picture emerges. We might be fearful about what will happen to our children or our planet. Our fears might revolve around if we will ever be loved, or if we will spend our lives alone. Our fears may relate to our success– will work provide us the financial resources we want, or the social recognition we crave? Seen from this perspective, our most relevant fears might much more accurately be related to love and loss, or failure, poverty, or social rejection than anything else. Yes, fears of our physical safety are a real thing– but for most of us, most of the time, there are different fears that animate us.
Seen in this light, the idea of courage takes on a different meaning. Courage becomes much more about stepping into our fears and vulnerabilities than it does about putting ourselves in harm's way. I think this is particularly relevant for men– we are taught to be courageous and to value bravery, but also left with a very particular idea of what that courage means and does not mean. What if instead of focusing on physical courage, we celebrated the courage to look inwards and face our own shortcomings and feelings of inadequacy? How different would the world be if we viewed the definition of courage as seeking help for addiction, or of being willing to face our inner demons, rather than jumping out of an airplane (yes, also courageous).
Fear is what often holds us back in real day-to-day living. We stay in lousy jobs because we are afraid. We do not commit to relationships because we are afraid. We do not start businesses or pursue ideas because we are afraid. We do not tell people that we love and care about them because we are afraid. We avoid leaving the house because we are afraid. We let fear rule our lives and guide our decisions, limit our choices, and define our options. We are afraid that if we are truly honest with ourselves, the truth will be too painful, so we avoid self-reflection. Courage is about acting in spite of these mundane fears, rather than letting them govern our lives. We all of us carry these types of fears with us, which means we all have the opportunity to be brave, and the celebrate the bravery of those around us who act in spite of their fear.
Courage does not always involve doing something. Sometimes, our fears come to us, and being courageous means just being present. I think of this particularly in the families I see at camp, who despite the difficulty of living with a chronic disease, keep on keeping on. The idea applies broadly— the better part of courage can be to face difficulty by remaining present and staying with the people we love. This is often true when people we love experience terrible things that cannot be changed— a lousy diagnosis, a great personal loss. Courage does not mean great comic-book heroics, but quiet determination to be steady and together with the people we care about through difficult things, to not run in the face of adversity.
I’d offer one last idea– courage is not so much a trait that some of us possess and others lack, but rather a skill we develop at different rates. As with any skill, the more we practice the better we become. So if you feel that you lack courage, even just admitting that fact is a brave act. From there, find small things to do that scare you, and practice them. That might mean just leaving the house once a day, or talking to the cashier in line, or taking off your headphones and being open to conversation from strangers. Pick one thing you can do to be brave, and do that. Then, do it again, and again. We get to be more courageous by practicing being courageous.
Doc
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