When people are first learning to meditate, I often provide a little warning: meditation is just a synonym for paying attention, while it is simple, it is not easy. This is why we meditate, to cultivate the skill of being attentive. Our minds’ tendency is to wander, and working to remain present and attentive takes effort. At the beginning of meditation, maintaining attention is tiring– even 5-10 minutes can be exhausting.
Despite this, we do not usually think about attention as an action. To the extent that we think about it at all, it's preparation that sets the stage for real action. We might recognize that paying attention is important, but we tend to see it as a given, not something to be practiced or prioritized. We do not consider paying attention as an action in itself. If we were to create lists of things to do in a given situation, paying attention is probably not going to be on the list.
And yet, paying attention is the first action we should take, the key to moving forward. Whether thinking about a professional challenge, a disagreement with a friend or family, or a personal problem, do a better job finding our way through the difficulty by intentionally turning our attention to it. Sometimes, attention is the only thing required. How many times is our children’s behavior (or other family members, for that matter) really just a bid for our attention?
When we want to help someone we care about through a difficult time, we tend to focus on doing—offering solutions, providing resources, taking action. Because paying attention doesn’t feel like an action—it seems too small, too obvious—we often overlook it. Yet skipping this step increases the risk of offering the wrong kind of support or imposing our own assumptions on a situation we don’t fully understand. Prioritizing attention as the first step helps us avoid this mistake and ensures our support is helpful.
Imagine a friend who is grieving. The impulse to help might drive us to offer words of encouragement, share advice, or attempt to distract them from their pain. But grief does not need to be solved; it needs to be witnessed. Meaningful support may not be words or actions, but presence. By paying attention, by noticing how someone is feeling, by listening without rushing to respond, we are doing what’s needed. This is the deceptive part– paying attention does not feel like an action the way we usually define action. We’re not fixing anything, changing circumstances, or doing something. This is why we need to remind ourselves that attention is action.
This applies in nearly every situation where help is needed. A struggling colleague may not need a pep talk or an intervention, but rather an acknowledgment that the workload is overwhelming. A child who is acting out may not really be asking for anything but attention. A spouse who seems distant may not need problem-solving or fixing but rather the reassurance that he or she is seen and valued, best demonstrated by… paying attention.
Attention allows us to respond to real needs, rather than imagined ones. We assume we know what others need based on our own experiences, our own fears, or even what we would want in their situation. But assumption can blind us to reality, and get in the way of effectively being there for people we care about. Attention shifts our focus from what we think we should do to what will actually help.
Attention is the foundation of presence. In a world that moves quickly, where distractions are constant and superficial interactions are the norm, giving someone our attention is a meaningful gift we can offer. Think about the last time someone listened to you—no interruptions, no looking at a phone, no rushing to respond. Think about how that felt. Giving someone our full attention is an action that says “You matter.”
Even though attention is powerful, paying attention can be difficult. It requires us to slow down, to set aside our own judgments, to let go of our interior monologue and to tolerate discomfort. Silence can be hard to bear, so we are often tempted to fill it with distracting words. Paying attention to emotions for which there is no answer, and that we cannot fix, is not natural for most of us– but it is a skill that can be cultivated. It often feels easier to distract ourselves or to jump into action rather than sitting with someone’s pain. But connection comes from being present. Presence and attention often feel insufficient, feel inadequate, feel like a woeful lack of action– but it's not. This is a reminder that the attention itself is an action.
We often believe that the road to becoming a better friend, partner, parent, or caregiver starts with action– and it does! But the action we need to start with is attention. This is an action that requires intention, practice, and cultivation. It is active, significant, and the basis for all that follows.
Cheers,
Doc
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